Announcing Agile 2.0.0 — The Newest and Bestest Agile Ever
Originally posted on the Modus blog.
Modus is pleased to announce Agile 2.0.0 We have taken agile to the power of two by applying Agile to Agile, and eliminating all the waste in software development. We are so taken with this new version of Agile that our entire team has collaborated on this article using modern Agile 2.0.0 techniques, so we will let it speak for itself.
No Scope, No Budget
Why bother? Those things always get in the way, so Agile 2.0.0 completely eliminates them. And while we are at it, no release dates either! We release when we are ready and no sooner. Those things were always so stressful. Welcome to the new world.
Everyone loves meetings. How can we get anything done if we don’t coordinate first? It’s important in Agile 2.0.0 to plan for our planning meetings. And how can we know if our retrospective went well if we don’t have a retro retrospective to talk about it? Inspect more and adapt more is what we say! Also, when everyone is in meetings all day, then we won’t even have to track our time because we won’t have any left to get anything done! It’s so simple that we are shocked no one has thought of this before.
Focus on Features
If we can focus on just features, we can get more work done. I mean all people want is the features, amiright? So let’s give it to them. Sure, it may be a little bit harder to find everything — and with the planning involved for all of these features we aren’t going to have time for any user research or UX. But that’s what hamburger menus are for — shoving in all the things that don’t neatly fit in your user interface, so let’s use them! Feel like your hamburger menu is too full (if that’s even a thing), then put a hamburger menu inside your hamburger menu for the extra extras.
Sure this builds “technical debt”, whatever that is. I mean the developers are always complaining about this and yet the app still works. So Agile 2.0.0 says to heck with it! Why pay now when you can pay later?
No Team Size Limits
With this upgraded version of Agile you can have teams as large as you want. 20 people? Sure! 30 or more? Why the hell not? The bigger the better we say because the more people you have, the more work you get done. Obviously.
No Wasting Time on Strategy
What will happen in the future? Nobody knows this, so why do we spend time thinking about it? The “big picture” never informs the developers what they can work on today, so in Agile 2.0.0 we will focus only on what needs to get done right now and only right now.
This also means we will no longer need product owners. Those people were always harping about “vision” and “strategy” and passing out “roadmaps”. Who do they think they are, fortune tellers? So let’s get rid of them. You just saved a ton of money. You’re welcome.
Eliminate the “User Problem”
Remember all those user studies you used to do? And all that time you wasted listening to designers and product managers crow on about the user’s perspective? What a colossal waste of time. These users don’t know what they want anyway! They have no idea how to use our software, so let’s just stop thinking about them. Then we can get back to focusing on building more features. See how easy this is?
Quality Assurance? Nah.
What has QA ever done for us? Assurance? HA! All they do is give us bugs. If we don’t test, then there aren’t any bugs to be found. So no more testing. Ever. Think of all the churn we can save by eliminating that simple step! Now we can just push our code directly to production!
Agile 2.0.0 Estimation
All estimation is done using toilet paper math. This is obviously better because as 12 rolls is 64 rolls of toilet paper, so 12 story points in Agile 2.0.0 is actually 54 points (or maybe 72 points). With Agile 2.0.0, our velocity is through the roof!
Or there is another option — Agile 2.0.0 is super flexible like that. You can break all of your stories down to 1 point. That way it’s really easy to track and your board always looks so busy because there are so many cards in all the columns. The bosses will love this.
And as the work keeps coming, just keep entering all your “Jiras”. It’s those Jiras that the execs are tracking from their dashboards so all we can say is “more Jiras”!
As you may have imagined, Agile 2.0.0 is way faster than the regular Agile. This is because of these key Agile 2.0.0 features:
- Most importantly, we have shorter time schedules. Shorter time schedules means quicker time to launch. That 1.0 release build is due next Friday — no time to waste!
- We have fewer people doing the actual work, because more people are overseeing what is happening. Fewer people = more fast. Don’t worry, they don’t have authority to do anything, they just make sure it’s all getting done.
- Midnight Friday releases every week. Developers love to work at night so Agile 2.0.0 does all releases every Friday night because they can stay up late working and troubleshooting and won’t have to worry about getting up for work the next day.
Agile 2.0.0 realizes how powerful everyone could be if they didn’t have to communicate and collaborate all the time. Part of the Agile 2.0.0 specification is that any technical problems should be solved on your own. Period. If a developer doesn’t know how to do something, they shouldn’t waste other developers’ time — they should just figure it out. No matter how long it takes. And once you figure something out, don’t waste your time sharing it with the rest of the team, hold that close, sharing information is another invaluable use of time.
The best part is that you never have to document anything. Even Agile 2.0.0 itself isn’t documented. Nobody reads that mumbo jumbo anyways.
That’s it. I’m sure you have come to the obvious conclusion by now that Agile 2.0.0 is what you need. More meetings. More teams. More Agile. Less BS. Regardless of product, project, team, you’ll always be winning!